Girls
by broomcloud
Summary: The South Park boys as girls aren't so different: Stacy is a normal girl head-over-heels for a boy named Testaburger, Kylie is forever the voice of reason against a certain fatass, Erica is a spoiled princess with Daddy issues, and Kendall is still constantly dying and obsessed with boobs.
1. Introduction

**Ch. 1: Friday**

"...At the bus stop, gotta catch my bus, I see my friends..."

Stacy Marsh pinched the bridge of her nose, the first of the ten times she would do so that day. "Oh my God, Cartman. Shut up." It was seven-thirty and she was standing in the freezing cold waiting for the bus; she didn't need any extra awful added to her morning. Especially if the awful could get stuck in her head all day.  
Kendall McCormick nodded. "Yeah. That song is so 2000 and late, man."  
Their fattest friend crossed her arms. "Whatever, I'll sing what I want! Besides, I brought back Faith Hilling, I could probably bring back making fun of Rebecca Black."  
"Isn't Faith Hilling that meme where you pull your shirt out like you have boobs?" Stacy asked, forgetting that she told them to shut up.  
Kendall giggled, a sign she was about to say something perverted. "It is, but Cartman, you don't have to do that because you already have such big OW! Mother_fucker_!"  
Erica retracted her foot. "There's more where that came from, bitch. Go ahead and make my day."  
"Okay, quit it guys. This is fucking pointless." Stacy pinched her nose for the second time. Hopefully Kylie would show up soon and balance out the crazy.

Sure enough, a thin, pretty redhead in a green hat came running up to the bus stop.  
"Hi, Kyle!" Stacy greeted her best friend. Kyle Broflovski's real name was Kylie, but Stacy had used that nickname since they were in preschool. Erica also used it when she wasn't calling her enemy Jew or bitch.

Kylie checked her watch. "I'm five minutes late. So where the hell is the bus?"  
Erica yawned. "Fuck if we know, Jew. Quit your yapping."  
Kylie didn't like it when Cartman called her Jew, so she had come up with her own nickname to get even. "Nice to see you too, fatass."  
"Mm...I'm not fat. I'm..." Erica broke off into a yawn. "Shit, I'm tired."  
"Rough night?"  
"Yeah, kinda. I had homework, then I had to do my nails, and then my toenails, and look for my favorite earrings. And I was glued to the toilet for like three hours. You know, Thursdays are fajita nights at my house, so..."  
"Please stop talking!" Stacy said, feeling sick. Cartman was very girly but she never let you forget that she was also a disgusting slob.

"Why do you have to paint your nails?" Kylie asked. She had no interest in superficial things like fashion. "Who are you trying to impress? It's just us."  
"Obviously she's trying to impress me." Kendall was always interested in finding another lesbian or at least someone bicurious since so far she was the only one at school. "Well I already chose Marjorine so take your wares elsewhere."

As usual, her friends ignored her gay comments. "Nobody said anything when Stacy started wearing lip gloss for Wes, or when she cut her hair because she said he'd like it better that way," Erica complained.  
"Guys like short hair now? Oh, God," Kendall said, cinching her hood a little tighter around her face. Men disgusted her, and she had cut her hair in the hopes that looking more like them would keep them away. The rumors that she was a depraved lesbian hadn't quite done the trick.

"I didn't cut that much, I just got bangs." Stacy's hair was still long, straight and black as it had always been. "And I use lip balm, not lip gloss. It just happens to be pink and kinda shiny and make my lips look good."  
Kylie rolled her eyes. Stacy was such a pathetic dork when it came to Wes. She didn't understand why Stacy would go for such a girly, manipulative nerd when she could do a lot better.

Before she could say anything to Stacy about her taste in men the bus pulled up. The haggardly bus driver glared at them.  
"Get yer asses in here quick 'cause we're runnin' late!"  
Stacy glared. "Whose fault is that, ugly?"  
"What'd you say?!"  
The black-haired girl straightened her hat. "I said, um, Bruce Vault is a catch. Fuck me."  
The driver calmed visibly. "Oh," he said in a pleasant voice, "I like him too."  
"Who the hell is Bruce Vault?" Erica whispered, to which Kylie shrugged.  
"If it gets him to shut up, don't question it."

In the front aisle, Clydette Donovan, Token Femblack, Tweeke Tweak and Cristina Tucker were chatting about a boy. As usual, Clydette had on fancy shoes, Token wore designer clothes, Tweeke was twitching the hell out and Cristina looked like she didn't give a shit about anything and wished everyone would leave her alone.  
"He likes you, Cristina," Token said, elbowing her friend.  
Tweeke yanked on one of her long braids in a caffeine-induced spasm. "I-I think so too. He was totally-Ack!-f-flirting with you!"  
The black-haired girl shrugged. "Mm. He's not my type."

"What is your type, candy-offering pedophiles?" Erica called out obnoxiously. Cristina turned very slowly around in her seat to face her rival in rudeness.  
"Oh, hello Erica. I thought I heard the screeching of a cat being run over, but I guess it was just coming from you and your big fat mouth." Actually, it had been the sound of Kendall getting crushed under the bus, but no one noticed her disappearance as usual.  
"Big fat mouth for a big fat person," Kylie muttered.  
"What was that, Jew bitch?!"

"SHUT UP BACK THERE YOU BRATS!" the driver yelled back at them. "There's an opossum or somethin' caught under the wheel and we can't leave 'til I check it out, so sit yer asses in those seats and don't say a goddamn word!" Cristina flipped the noisy man off as she left the bus.

"Really wish I had some gum right now so I could put it under his seat."  
"There's already some on _this _seat," Kylie said in disgust.  
"Give it here, then."  
"I'm not touching it!" the redhead exclaimed.  
"Yeah, that's disgusting, Cristina," Stacy said.  
Cristina rolled her eyes. "I know. That's why I want to put it on his chair. This is why no one likes you guys; you're such wusses."  
Erica spat her own gum into her hand. "You can have mine if you want."  
Cristina stared at her. "Honestly, I'd prefer the one that's been sitting there gathering dust for ten years."  
"What? You hate me that much?"  
"I do." The two stared each other down. Everyone was watching them so no one heard the driver scream "Oh God! That's the second kid this week!"

Cartman pointed at Cristina. "I'm gonna lick something you own and you won't know what and it's gonna drive you insane and you'll spend the rest of your days in the mental hospital eating excrement. Your own excrement!"  
Cristina was not intimidated by her threat. "Wow. That sounds like something Kendall would be turned on by."

"What about me?" Kendall had suddenly revived on the neighboring seat. Unfortunately, the seat was already occupied.  
"You're on my lap," Kylie said unnecessarily.  
Kendall continued to sit there. "That I am."  
"Well could you get off?!"  
"To this? Maybe if there was some hot music playing..."  
"She meant get lost you ugly skank!" Erica shouted from the neighboring seat as she pushed Kendall into the aisle.  
"Ugly," the displaced girl repeated in a hurt voice.

From the next row, Marjorine smiled at her. "Well hey there, Kendall!"  
Kendall's face lit up, as it always did when she saw the small blue-eyed girl. She liked women of all kinds, but sweet, adorable Marjorine was her favorite as well as her angel and future wife. (Marjorine herself was unaware of all this.)  
"Hi Marjorine! You look really cute today!"

The other blonde was surprised. "Really?" Her parents picked out her clothes; her outfits tended to look old-fashioned so she wasn't used to praise.  
"Well, you look cute every day, but today especially so," Kendall said with a flirty smile. While it had charmed plenty of guys in the past, it had no effect on Marjorine. "Do you want to look at the book I got at the library yesterday?"

"Book? Yeah, sure!" Unfortunately, the kind of book Marjorine was thinking of, that maybe had cute illustrations or facts about hedgehogs, was not exactly what Kendall meant. "Oh golly!" Marjorine squeaked when she saw its contents. "I didn't know you were talkin' about..."  
The taller blonde smiled again. "Don't worry, it's not porn; it's purely educational. These are all paintings from museums."  
"Th-there are pictures of girls doing _that _to each other in museums?!"  
"Yeah, it's called erotica. Don't you think the splash of red there really balances out the black of her-"  
"Eep!" Marjorine covered her face. "Please stop!" She looked like she was going to be sick.

Kendall put the book away somewhat guiltily. "I'm sorry, Marjie! I was just..." She couldn't exactly say 'trying to see if you were gay.' In all the tests she had administered to her friend, every single one had come out heterosexual. But that didn't mean she wouldn't stop trying. Girls usually turned around the start of middle school, according to the internet.

When the girls arrived in class, their teacher Ms. Garrison barely acknowledged them, as usual. "Okay children, sit down and shut up," she said boredly. The questionable book she was reading was reflected in her glasses. "Mrs. Slave and I have to clean out the hamster cages, so keep quiet while we're gone." The leather-clad teacher's aid giggled and followed her gay lover out the door.  
"Don't go outside, even to the bathroom," Token said to everyone. "If you see what they're doing you're going to want to burn your eyeballs."  
"Garrison's still trying to get fired, huh?" Kelsey asked.  
"Those poor hamsters," Cristina muttered.

Since they had nothing else to do, Stacy and Kylie started talking about their plans for the weekend.  
"Terry and Phyllis: a Tale of Gastronomic Proportions comes out on Saturday," Stacy said. "It's gonna be awesome."  
"We need to see that movie!" Kylie exclaimed. Her expression turned sour. "It'd be nice to get a chance to get away from my family and their dysfunctional bonding sessions." Kylie was embarrassed of her family: her father was loud and from Jersey, her mom was constantly off in her own world, and Isla was going through her teenaged slut phase about ten years too early.

"Tell me about it," Stacy complained. "My Mom is crazier than usual. I think she's going through menopause. She keeps trying to 'change our family dynamic.' Which last week meant making us form a bluegrass band."  
Marjorine overheard them. "Last week my mom grounded me because I put a rainbow sticker on my binder and she said 'Why don't you go to San Francisco with the rest of the lesbians and attend a topless gay pride parade Marjorine?' I don't even know where San Francisco is!"  
"It's in California, and it sounds awesome. I should totally move there," Kendall replied. "But seriously, none of you have it worse than me. My mom can't even hold a job because she's so drunk all the time. I've had to eat nothing but Pop Tarts for the last three months because of her." She shook her head sorrowfully. "She couldn't even get us the frosted kind because she's so fucking broke!"

"Yeah well nobody is worse than my mom!" Erica yelled out.  
"You don't have a mom, Cartman," Kylie argued.  
"Yeah I do. How else would I be here, idiot?"  
"But she doesn't count since she left you on your dad's fucking doorstep and has never contacted you since! You don't even know who she is!"  
Cartman rolled her eyes. "And don't you think that qualifies her as the worst?"  
"Yeah, I think she wins," Marjorine agreed.  
"No, actually, I'd rather not have a mom than have Kylie's," said Erica. "You know why?"  
Marjorine took the bait. "Why?!"  
"Because..." The faint sound of a piano started to get louder.  
"Please don't," Stacy muttered under her breath.

Too late. "Ohhhh...  
Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a bitch, she's a bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide wo-OW! Jew, don't hit me! Fine, I'll stop! Just quit pulling my hair!"  
The class stopped clapping with some disappointment as the invisible orchestra screeched to a halt.  
"We never get to do musical numbers anymore," Marjorine whined.

At recess, Kylie and Erica got into another argument. This time about their dads.  
"At least my dad doesn't give blow jobs for money!" Kylie yelled.  
"Well at least my dad doesn't have red hair!" Erica shouted back.  
"Well your dad is gay!"  
"Yours is from Jersey!"  
"Yours is a crack addict!"  
"And yours is a kike!"  
Kylie took the fat girl by the throat. "Don't you ever use that word in front of me!"  
"Okay, I'll keep saying it behind your back, bitch!"  
"Calm down girls, you're both pretty," Kendall said with a nervous laugh.

This only made Kylie and Cartman direct their anger onto her.  
"Shut up, Kendall!"  
"Yeah! Go get killed, you bleached-blonde skank!"  
No sooner had Cartman said that than a meteor suddenly crashed to earth and crushed Kendall. A pool of blood formed under the surrounding snow.  
"Oh my God, they killed Kendall!" Stacy shouted unnecessarily.  
Kylie shook her fist at the sky. "You bastards!"

Just then Wesley Testaburger made his first and only appearance.  
"Hey guys, what's going on?" he asked. "Stacy, what the hell happened?"  
"Oh, nothing. Kendall got turned into a crater, that's all," Erica said boredly.  
Wes smiled at Stacy. "Well, thank God you're safe. I don't know what I'd do if anything bad ever happened to you."  
Stacy thanked him by puking all over his face, and then on the meteor.  
"Stacy just lost her cookies! Gross!" Cartman snickered.  
"It's not funny, fatass!" Kylie shouted, and went back to choking her.

Even in a different universe, some things never changed.

* * *

**A/N- This wasn't so much a story as it was an introduction. This way in future chapters, I don't have to keep providing background. Maybe that's lazy, but I figured it would be easier to digest the new information by keeping the plot generic and familiar.  
**

**I'd like to know what people think of the changes I made. I tried to keep everyone pretty much the same except Kendall; I know I took a bunch of liberties with her. I don't know why I see her as being a lesbian, but it just makes sense to me. I think it's kind of boring to keep everyone exactly the same anyway.  
**

**I have a few ideas I plan to turn into one-shots. I'd love to hear suggestions. Are there pairings I should try? Pairings I should avoid? No matter what, there will be Kenman, because again, (to me) it just makes sense.  
**


	2. Marjorine's Date (Bunny)

**Before I begin, let me just say that this has hints of Bunny-just hints. Semi-romantic things happen, but it's not like they're a couple at the end. (Am I a writing tease? I don't mean to be...) If any of them do start a relationship with one another it will be an offshoot of the main story-basically, it won't affect all the other stories and will be more of a what-if situation.**

**Also, I wrote this a long time ago and decided back then not to post it. So here it is in all its unedited glory. Just saying it's not my best. Also, I don't know if boys or girls are supposed to get corsages, but whatever, they're flowers and you put them somewhere on yourself.**

* * *

"She's going with me, bitch!"

"Over my dead body!"

It was Wednesday morning, and Cartman was fighting with someone as usual. Normally it would be Kyle or Cristina, but today oddly enough it was Kendall. There were only a few things that could make Kendall angry, and the idea of Erica taking Marjorine to a dance was one of them.

"She's _my_ friend, not yours!" Erica was yelling.

"Only because you make her hang out with you! You don't even really like her! She's just your slave!" Kendall shouted back.

Erica couldn't really deny that. "W-well okay, but you like her _too _much! It's creepy! You may as well marry her!"  
"Maybe I will! It would be a whole lot better than spending time with the future cover of Crackwhore Magazine!"

Since Lee Cartman was a regular in that magazine, that hit a nerve with his daughter. "Yeah, because you're so much better. I'm sure she'll love eating ramen and Pop Tarts every day for the rest of her life!"

"Clearly that's what you love, tubby!"

Before Erica could attack, Kylie pulled them away from each other.

"Calm down. What the hell's the matter with you?" she asked gruffly.

"Haven't we been asking that for the past seven years?" It was Stacy.

"Good point. But I mean what's the specific problem that's so important you have to yell about it in the hallway."

Both Kendall and Erica pointed to each other and shouted, "This fucking bitch is trying to steal Marjorine! Hey, don't call me a fucking bitch!"  
Marjorine herself was nowhere to be seen. She had probably walked away after the two of them started arguing and was hiding somewhere.

"What do you mean, 'steal' her?" Kylie asked. She didn't really care, but she wanted to get them to stop yelling.

"I want to take her to the dance on Friday and this ho is trying to maneuver her out from under me," Erica explained.  
"Anybody 'under' you would be crushed to death," Kendall muttered.  
"HEY!"

"Will you just stop?" Kylie wished she had one of those water sprayers people use on misbehaving dogs. "Guys, have either of you even asked Marjorine what _she_ wants to do?"  
They hadn't.

"And why do you want to take Marjorine as your date anyway, Cartman? You're not gay," Stacy added.

"Nobody else will go with her."

Cartman blushed. "That's not true, kike! I just want to go to the dance with my friend! I don't need a man to have a good time y'know!"

"That's what I've been saying for years, and nobody listens," Kendall said sadly.

"Why go at all?" Kylie asked. "I'm not."

"Well I already bought a ticket and I'm not just gonna eat ten bucks," said Cartman. She turned to Kendall. "And don't say something like, 'oh really Cartman, I thought you'd eat anything' because I will mess you up!"

"No actually, I can think of something you wouldn't eat." There was a pause.

"That was another dirty joke, wasn't it," Kylie said in exasperation.

In class, Marjorine chose to sit next to Kylie instead of in between Erica and Kendall like she usually did. She kept messing with her hair ribbons, which meant she was stressed.  
"Hey Marj," Kylie whispered to her, "I'm sorry Kendall and the fatass are bothering you."

Marjorine glanced at her anxiously. "They told you what happened?"

"Yeah. But listen, do you want to go to that dance?"

She let out a sight of dejection. "I do, but I feel like they're going to ruin it."

Kylie thought of something. "What if I can get you a date? Then they might leave you alone."

Marjorine smiled at her. "You'd do that?"  
The redhead nodded. "No one deserves to have to put up with either of those two for an entire night."

* * *

Nick and Token had broken up a few weeks ago. Nick was a really nice guy, and he didn't care about popularity. Which was why he might make a good date for Marjorine.  
Kylie approached him at his locker. "Hey."

He smiled when he saw it was her. "Hi, Kylie. What's up?"

Kylie cleared her throat. "Uh...you going to the dance on Friday?"

He was a bit taken aback. "I wasn't planning to, but I could. It's not like I have plans," he said slowly.

Kylie was relieved. "Oh, good. Because I was wondering if-"

He cut her off. "Yes! I'd love to!"

"Huh?" Did he read her mind or something?

Nick laughed sheepishly. "I've always liked you, Kylie. So I'm really happy you asked me."  
Oh no. No no no. "I'll...  
"...be looking forward to it." She couldn't say no to that smile. And to be honest, she'd always admired him, even if they rarely talked.  
She wouldn't go back on her promise, though.

"I have to get a date for Marjorine. Do you know anybody who's looking for a date?" she asked.  
"Well, Lester's girlfriend just broke up with him." Lester was one of Nick's popular friends. "Is it okay if it's just a rebound?"

"Yes, that's perfect," Kylie said with relief. Lester was kind of a douchebag, but it wasn't like Marjorine wanted to get a boyfriend out of this.

Probably.

After telling Marjorine the good news, Kylie went to Cartman and Kendall to break the bad. Of course, she made it sound like Lester had asked Marjorine so Erica couldn't accuse her of being a meddling Jewrat.

"Damn it," Kendall muttered in disappointment. "Well, if she's happy, then that's good enough for me."

Cartman was not as gracious. "Fuck her happiness, now I'm boned! I'm not going with this dyke even if you pay me!"

Thankfully it all worked out. "Well it turns out I'm going now, and I have a date, so you guys can just sell me your tickets."

"No, screw that! I'm getting a date and nobody can stop me!" Cartman exclaimed. "Just you wait! I'm gonna do it!" She ran off.

"I can already hear his pitiful screams," Kendall muttered.

Kylie pulled out five dollars for the ticket. "Just give it to me before Friday."

"Wait, I think I'm going to go," said Kendall. "I don't want to miss whatever the hell is happening with Cartman. And that way I can keep an eye on Marjorine on her date."  
"Okay. But if Lester suddenly dies of food poisoning, I'm telling the cops it was you."

* * *

On Friday night, Marjorine was sitting anxiously as her mother put her makeup on. Mrs. Stotch said her daughter couldn't do it herself because she'd probably try to look like Ashley Tisdale or one of those other whores from the Disney Channel.

"I'm glad you somehow found yourself a date," she said as she put mascara on Marjorine's blonde eyelashes. "I'm expecting you to be on your best behavior tonight. If I hear of any inappropriate activity involving you and that boy," she pointed the mascara wand at Marjorine threateningly. "Your ass is grounded, missy."  
"Yes ma'am."  
"Say it without the attitude this time."  
"Yes ma'am! Sorry ma'am!"

The doorbell rang. Mr. Stotch went to answer it.  
"That's him!" Marjorine said in a panic.

"Hold still, dear. I'm almost done." Mrs. Stotch pulled back to take a look at her daughter. "You look very...distinct, honey."

Marjorine was used to getting backhanded praise. "Thanks Mom! I'll be back at ten!"  
"No later than ten or you're grounded!" traveled down the stairs.

Lester was at the door, holding a corsage. His black hair was slicked back and he wore a suit. He looked very handsome. "Hey, Marjorine. You look great!"  
Marjorine blushed. Her dress was the same light blue one she wore to church, but her hair was down instead of her usual pigtails. She had been worried she looked dorky. "Thank you! Is that for me?"

He smiled and handed her the corsage.  
"It's beautiful!" Mr. Stotch cleared his throat. He didn't like seeing this strange boy interacting with his daughter. "You'd better get going, dear."

Lester's older sister was driving them to school. She had a lot of piercings and kept calling the two of them asslickers, but at least she was a competent driver.  
"If you're not out here at nine-fifty, you're fucked!" she called to her brother as she drove away.

Lester rolled his eyes. "God, what a bitch. It's probably her time of the month again."

"Huh? Time of the month? What does that mean?" asked Marjorine.

He laughed and held the door open for her. "Wow, you're pretty innocent, huh?"

Marjorine was about to ask if that was a bad thing when she was suddenly met with her friends. Stacy was standing close with Wesley and the two were laughing self-consciously. Kylie had clearly tried to straighten her hair and failed, but she did look very pretty. And Cartman...oh boy.

"Hey, Marjorine!" Erica drawled as she rested her arm on her date's shoulder. The sudden weight caused him to stumble, which she ignored. "What's up?"

Marjorine glanced at Lester, but he was already being waved over to another group. "Uh, nothin.' Who's your date?"

"Oh, this thing?" Cartman asked without a molecule of tact. She turned the boy around and clung onto his arm. He looked very sweaty and on edge.  
"Marjorine, you know Larry Berger, don't you?"

"Um, kinda." She knew he was one of, if not the least popular boy in school. He wore glasses and was as fat as Cartman, but unlike her could not be considered even remotely attractive.

However, this didn't stop Erica from putting the moves on him-the ones she'd seen in movies. "We're having a wonderful time, aren't we Larry?" She traced her finger down his tie, causing his throat to close up do to stress. He was clearly struggling to breathe, but Erica just pushed him away and kept talking.

"So, who's your manwhore? Lester, right? Is he a minority, because I can never really tell. He's like Kelsey Stoley; you don't know if he's white, so you don't know if you can trust him or not."

"I-I dunno, but he's around here somewhere." He seemed to have gotten lost in the crowd.

"Well you better find him. It's important to stick by your date at all times, so some skank doesn't steal them. Not that I have to worry with this one. And for God's sake stop coughing!" Larry had just gotten over his fit, but Erica's sudden grabbing of his tie irritated his throat again. "I can't put my sexy moves on you if you keep hacking away like that!"

"Please stop with the sexy moves," he pleaded in between coughs. "I don't think my stomach can take any more!" He wanted to be home with all his heart.

"I'm not really going to do anything with him," Erica whispered to Marjorine. "He's a nerd, plus he's kinda fat for me."

Marjorine badly wanted to point out that Larry was barely more overweight than Cartman, but she didn't want to be murdered so she decided just to leave and look for Lester.

Right when she disappeared, Kendall suddenly made her appearance.

"I was trying to use the women's bathroom, but a bunch of people called me pervert and started yelling at me so I had to get out of there. I thought if I opened my shirt I could prove I was a girl. Didn't work."

Kylie looked at her tall friend in surprise. "Why did you decide to wear a suit? Just because you're gay? Isn't that a little stereotypical?"

Kendall shrugged. "I'd make a hotter guy than half the real dudes who are here. So where's Marjorine?"

Nick entered the conversation. "You just missed her. She went to find her date." He turned to his own date. "Will you dance with me during the next slow song?"

Kylie blushed. "I'd like that."

Kendall rolled her eyes at her sappy straight friends. Well, except the one that was maybe not straight. "Cartman, you didn't find a date?"

"I did, but he went to answer nature's call." More like to run the hell away. Erica looked her blonde friend up and down before grabbing hold of her hood and ripping it off. "Give me that! You can't wear a parka hood with a suit. It looks hella stupid!"

Kendall suddenly felt very exposed. "Hey, give it back!"

Erica gave her a sweet smile. "Fuck you."

The blonde made a run for her, causing Cartman to run away into the crowd.

"Oh, shit! Help! A crazy lesbian is after me!"

"Give me back my clothes, dammit!"

"Wow, have you seen that blonde guy before? He's super hot!" A girl whispered to her friend. "I wonder how much that fatass had to pay to get him to come here with her."

"Whatever it is, I'll double it," the other girl replied. "Let's go find him."

Meanwhile, Marjorine had found Lester with his popular friends and was standing by awkwardly while they talked. Those glares the other girls were giving her were probably just her imagination.

"Nice dress," one of them said. Again, that sarcastic tone was probably in her head.

"I like yours too. Where did you get it?"

"Downtown," the other girl said snobbily. "It's imported from Paris France. But yours...let me guess, Goodwill?" Her friends laughed.

"Huh? G-gosh, I really don't know." It may actually have been from Goodwill; she had no idea where her parents bought her clothes. Suddenly she felt her face heating up.

"You don't know?" The other girl mocked her tone with a high-pitched voice.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's what Marjorine had always believed, so she simply said, "Nice meeting you" and turned to Lester. "Do you want to dance?"

He gave her a friendly smile and nodded. "Sure! I'd love to dance with you, Margarine!"

"Marjorine."

"Right, of course! Sorry." He tried to take hold of her waist.

But she had been planning to show off her moves that night and completely sidestepped him onto the dancefloor. She did twirls and snapping, the whole shebang, while Lester stood awestruck.

"Why are you dancing like that?" he asked. "Unless...are you really dancing? Are you hurt? I know the lights are really trippy in here."

Marjorine stopped. She felt judgmental eyes staring at her, condemning her uncool dancing. "How am I supposed to dance?" she asked dejectedly.

He took her waist and hand and led her in a slow dance, the exact same way all the other couples were doing it. "This is nice," he said.

She nodded, even though she didn't find it at all enjoyable. It was just standing around swaying; that was how reeds acted, it wasn't dancing.

"Is she looking over here?" he suddenly whispered to her. His eyes were on someone in the crowd.

She tried to follow his gaze. "Um, who?"

"The girl in the green dress with brown hair. That's my ex-girlfriend. I can't really see her; does she look jealous to you?"  
Marjorine craned her neck. "No, she's not even looking this way."

"Dammit!" Lester released her. "I guess there's no point in doing this then." He turned to go back to his group.  
"Wait, why are you going?" she asked. "Why don't you wanna dance with me?"  
He shrugged. "I dunno, you're just some girl that I don't really know or care about."

Marjorine's blue eyes started to sting. No, she couldn't cry here in front of all these people. "That's really mean! Why did you even agree to go with me? To make that gal over there jealous and want to get back together with you?"

Lester nodded enthusiastically. "Hey, you got it! I'm so glad you understand. See ya, Margin!"

Marjorine suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe. People were laughing. At her, weren't they? They all hated her, and they wanted her to leave. She didn't belong there.

She pushed past her classmates and burst out the auditorium doors. No one was supposed to leave until nine, but she didn't care. She was doing them all a favor by leaving.

Immediately after the doors slammed shut again, Marjorine sat down on the stoop. She noticed the flowers on her arm, threw them into the grass, and started crying. She had a sleeveless dress on and was freezing cold, but no way was she going back inside.

"Hey, Marj? That you?"

There was a familiar voice. Kendall.

The taller blonde sat down on the steps next to Marjorine. "Rough night?"

Marjorine ignored her and kept crying. Kendall decided to use a gentler approach.

"What happened?" she asked softly.

Marjorine stopped crying enough to talk, but kept her face hidden by her hands. "Nobody likes me! I...I'm always going to be alone...!"  
With some wrestling, Kendall took off her tie and handed it to her crying friend.

"Not the best tissue, but it's all I have. Feel free to use it."

Marjorine used it to wipe her eyes. "Thanks, Kendall. You're a real friend."

"See? People like you."

"N-nobody in there does!" she cried. "Lester doesn't!"

Kendall sighed. "Lester...is not very bright. I don't think he meant to hurt your feelings; he's just not capable of understanding other people." That was clearly now what Marjorine wanted to hear so she put a hand on her back and said, "Lester's an asshole."

"He is!" Marjorine sobbed. "They're all a-holes! I hate them!"

"Don't say that," Kendall said gently. "What about Stacy and Kyle and Erica? I'm sure they're worried about you."

"No they aren't! They probably didn't even notice I'm gone! I bet if I died nobody would even notice. Nobody would care! Maybe I should just-"

"Hey." Kendall took hold of her shoulders and turned her around so that they were eye-to-eye. "None of that is true and you know it. Now quit feeling sorry for yourself," she said firmly. "And stop crying!"

Marjorine was so surprised that her crying died down to sniffles. She was shocked by Kendall's actions, but also her appearance. She'd never seen Kendall without her hood on before, and with that suit, she looked just like a boy. A prince, even.

Kendall felt bad. "Maybe that was too harsh, but-"

"No, that was good." Marjorine wiped her eyes with the tie and smiled. "That's what I needed to hear. Thank you."

"Notice I'm not even hitting on you!" Kendall exclaimed in a self-satisfied manner.

"What were you doing out here by yourself?" Marjorine asked. "You didn't come out the door. ...Were you in the bushes?" There was a leaf on Kendall's lapel.

The girl in the suit laughed guiltily. "Yeah. I was hiding from some crazy girls. They kept chasing me around, trying to give me money. It was freaky."

"That sounds like something you would love," Marjorine pointed out. It was true.

"Well they thought I was a dude, and that made me feel bad. And they just looked at me like a piece of meat. Plus, they weren't that hot. I guess I'm spoiled because my friends are all so pretty."

Marjorine snorted. "Yeah right."

"No, you are! You have no idea, Marjorine. You're downright adorable! And you look so good in that dress."

"My dress from Goodwill?"

"Hey, I can't even go to Goodwill; I have to get clothes for free. That's why I got good at sewing. This is my dad's suit, but I altered it. Still kinda big though."

"I think you look great," Marjorine said quietly. "You seem so cool and handsome."

Kendall blushed and giggled girlishly, losing some of her boyish charm. "Wow, really? Thank you! I guess looking like this I really could have been your date, huh!"

Marjorine fidgeted. "Maybe." She didn't want to let on how much she wished she had gone with Kendall instead; she didn't want her friend to get the wrong idea. But if Kendall had really been a boy, well, like she said. Maybe.

"Whose flowers are these?" Kendall asked, picking up the corsage.

Marjorine laughed bitterly. "Lester gave me those."

"Well as your honorary date, let's pretend he didn't and say I bought these. Give me your arm, please." Marjorine flushed as Kendall placed the corsage back on her wrist. She was overwhelmed with happiness. This is what she had wanted all along.

"My ride doesn't get here until nine. So we've got like an hour left," the lesbian said. "Are you okay sitting out here?"

Marjorine tried not to shiver. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

Kendall slapped herself on the forehead. Stupid! Why hadn't she thought of it before?

"Here." She took her blazer off and draped it over her friend's pale shoulders. It hung like a blanket around her small frame. Warmth slowly started to envelop her.

Meanwhile, however, Kendall was just in a dress shirt and was clearly freezing.

"Thanks, but I said I'm okay," Marjorine said as she tried to hand the jacket back. "You need this more than I do. You might catch a cold or something."

Kendall sneezed. "Maybe we should just go back inside."

Marjorine couldn't do that. "You can, but I'm not gonna."

"C'mon, your friends are in there! And there's punch and food and dancing!"

The small blonde wanted to cry all over again at the mention of dancing. "No, my dance moves are horrible! They said I had to slow dance." She was suddenly angry. "Why do I have to do it their way?! It's called a dance, why am I not allowed to dance? I'm gettin' so sick of this bullshit!" Realizing she'd shouted and said a bad word, she quickly put a hand over her mouth. "Whoops."

Kendall looked thoughtful. "You know, I realized something. Although Cartman is a grade-A bitch and a dumbass to boot, I think in this rare instance we can borrow her thinking. You know how she always says, 'Whatever, I do what I want!'?"

Marjorine nodded. It kinda got annoying.  
"Well you need to think that way! I'll say it, then you say it."  
"Okay."

"Whatever, I do what I want!"  
"Whatever, I do what I want!" Marjorine echoed into the night.

"I can dance how I want to, bitch!"  
"I can dance how I want to, b-bitch!"

"Fuck those guys!"  
"Eff those guys!"

"All the world's hos are mine!"  
"All the w-" Marjorine paused. "I'm not sayin' that one!"

Kendall laughed in embarrassment. "Sorry, that's one I use on myself on a bad day. So are you ready to go back in?"

Marjorine smiled confidently and nodded. "We'll show them a night of dancing they'll never forget!"

Kendall nodded back. She would have to make sure Marjorine stayed in the middle of the dance floor, since she had caused accidents in the past. But best not to think about that; it was a party after all.

They had a fun night. Kendall tried to slow-dance, but Marjorine was embarrassed and reminded her she wasn't gay. At some point, other people started dancing like them, and soon everybody was using Marjorine's moves.

"You're like, a super good dancer!" one of the popular kids said to her.

In the end the party had to stop early because Larry Burger choked on a chip and they had to call an ambulance.

"I may have been just a liiittle too forward," Cartman admitted of her attempts at seduction. She still wasn't sure why she put her hand there, or whether or not he'd enjoyed it.

"Do you want to ride home with me?" Kendall asked Marjorine.  
"What about Lester?"  
The lesbian grinned. "Fuck 'im."  
So the two of them rode home driven by Kendall's father, since he was the only one currently sober besides her little brother Kevin.

* * *

When Kendall walked Marjorine up to her house, she decided to be brave.

"Kiss me goodnight?"

"Uh, no. I don't want my parents to see."

Kendall was glad she said parents instead of 'I'm not gay' or 'No, I think you're gross.'

"Fuck 'em," she repeated.

Marjorine pointed to her face. "Just on the cheek, okay?"

Kendall was overjoyed and leaned down without hesitation. Marjorine panicked a little and tried to push her away, but ended up just holding her arms. Kendall might have taken this as a sign to continue, but she was a gentleman. Tonight, anyway.

"Goodnight, princess." Marjorine blushed.

"G...goodnight."

Kendall's cool exit was somewhat destroyed by her father shouting, "Jes' what the fuck were you kissin' that girl for? You a lesbian?"  
"Yes! For the last time, I'm gay!" she yelled back.  
"No, you're a lesbian!"  
"Same goddamn thing!" Kendall turned to Marjorine, waved, then scowled as she got into the car. But she couldn't stay angry; she'd had such an amazing night. She knew Marjorine had had fun. It wasn't a relationship, of course. But just maybe, it was the start of something.

Even if she had to dress like a dude forever.

Meanwhile, Marjorine had opened the door and her mother (predictably) had been spying on her.

"What on God's green earth were you doing with that boy? That wasn't the same one as before! You little hussy! You have some explaining to do-"

She would so get grounded for this, but whatever. "Who said that was a guy?"

Her mother was too shocked to follow her upstairs. Her husband approached her with a smug expression.  
"You owe me five dollars, sweetie."


	3. Weight Loss (Kenman) Part One

**This...I don't even know. Feel free to yell at me if you want.  
Oh, right. They're high-schoolers here. In the last two they were still in grade school.  
**

* * *

On the first day of the new semester after winter break, the school doors were opened by a fashionably late student. The bright light reflecting on the snow outside cast a kind of glow around her as she strolled down the hall. Her legs were noticeably bare despite the January cold. Her hair was shiny and perfect and she was wearing a stylish black coat. Who the hell was she? A new kid? Probably from California or Florida.

Then she stopped in front of one of the lockers. Oh, hell no.

That locker belonged to Erica Cartman. There was obviously some mista-

She twisted the combination lock for the locker and opened it with ease.

So Cartman really HAD been away at a weight-loss camp. And apparently, it had been very successful. _Damn._

"Whoa...Erica?!"

Cartman had stowed her jacket and was picking up her textbooks when Marjorine ran up to her. Kylie, Stacy and Kendall weren't far behind.

Erica's happiness and relief at seeing Marjorine lost to her inflated ego. "Of course. Who else could it be?" she asked smugly.

The small blonde grabbed onto her now-trim friend, as if she weren't real. "I don't believe this!" she exclaimed, looking at Erica from every angle. "It...it's really you!" She gave a little squeal of excitement and wrapped her best friend in a hug.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group caught up to them.

After the hug ended they were able to really see their friend's new appearance.

Kendall whistled. "Daaamn, Cartman. Look at you!" Then she paused, frowning. "...Hey, what happened to your tits?"

"Huh?"

"As in, where'd they go?"

"Well I think they're vacationing in Tahiti, Kendall. Nice of you to ask."

Stacy looked on in shock. Kylie got over her own surprise enough to criticize her old enemy. "What's with the outfit?"

Erica looked down at herself. She had on heels, a grey pencil skirt, and a white button-down shirt, almost like an office lady, but her shirt was at least a button short of decent and her red bra was apparent through the fabric. "Nothing wrong with it, is there? Nice to see you again, by the way Jew."

"I...wow. Holy crap," Stacy said. "I had no idea it would actually work! I thought you'd get thrown out of camp again for breaking the rules."

"I was lucky to get them to give me a second chance. No way in hell was I risking it just for a candy bar." Cartman had gotten kicked out of the same weight-loss program in elementary school for running a con with a girl from a rehab center in which she sold candy to other fat kids for a profit. The addict then came back to South Park to impersonate a now in-shape Cartman. Speaking of which...

"How do we know you're really Erica?" Kendall asked, partly teasing, but also figuring it was best to make sure.

Erica flicked her hair over her shoulder and glowered at Kendall. "Oh, fuck off. I don't have to prove anything to you idiots. Suck my hairy balls if you don't believe me."

"Hooray! It is her!" Marjorine exclaimed.

Just then the bell rang.

"Aw, man! I really wanted to talk to you!" said Marjorine. "Text me during class, okay Erica?"

Cartman smiled, enjoying the attention from her follower turned friend. "You got it."

As the two walked to class, Kylie shook her head in awe and exasperation.

"I can't believe it. I hope this doesn't make Cartman even worse somehow."

"Dude, can she get any worse?" Stacy asked.

"Oh. Good point."

Kendall, meanwhile, was busy leering at Erica's retreating figure.

"Hey! Kendall! That's gross! It's Cartman!" Kylie snapped in disgust.

The blonde came back to reality and saw her friend's judgy faces. "Oh, come on, guys. Is this any surprise to you after all the time we've known each other?"

Kylie sighed. "It shouldn't be, I guess. We've gotta get to Garrison's. But you better not check out my butt while I'm going!"

Kendall disobeyed the redhead as she walked away. Stacy noticed and elbowed her.

"Dude!"

Kendall shrugged. "What can I say? I'm a rebel."

* * *

In class people kept staring at Erica. If she noticed she pretended not to, but it got to be enough of a problem that Mrs. Garrison said,

"Now just because one of our students is suddenly hot doesn't give you all a free pass to ignore my lecture." Then she went back to describing the latest episode of Days of Our Lives in great detail. Erica giggled as if the hot student had been somebody else.

"Surprised she's not more smug," Stacy muttered.

"Oh she is, she's just hiding it," Kylie whispered back.

After class, predictably, a group of students surrounded Erica.

"Aren't you like super cold?" Clydette asked.

"Kind of a hooker outfit," Cristina murmured.

Cartman wanted to say "You would know, considering what your mom does for a living," but that wasn't all that solid and she wanted people to think her attitude had changed. So she just addressed Clydette's question.

"Well, I got so used to training out in the rain and snow so the cold doesn't really affect me anymore."  
After that it was mostly just guys trying to get her number "in case they ever missed a homework assignment." Right.

"Everyone's so shallow. It's disgusting," Kylie muttered from a distance.

"Wish I could say Cartman is disgusting too, but she looks pretty good," Stacy admitted.

The redhead rolled her eyes. "I mean I guess she's okay."

"Does someone need to take you to Jelly School?" Kendall asked teasingly.

Kylie glared. "I'm not jealous. It's just ridiculous, that's all."

Erica walked up to them, having dismissed herself from the group of students who broke up after she left.

"Hey guys."

"Hmph." "Hey." "Yo."

Cartman noticed Kylie's expression and smiled.

"Hey, Jew," she said sweetly. "It's been a while, huh buddy."

"Just stop."

"No, listen, listen. There's something I've been wanting to say to you for a whole month."

Everyone groaned in advance. Childish taunting in 3...2...

"NYAHAHAHA-HA-HA! I'm a si-ize 2 now so you can't call me fat-ass! Ehehehe-he-heh! Now you have to choke on your own words!"

"No I don't, bitch. You were fat before!"

"Well obviously that is far from the case now. In fact, I think I'm a little thinner than you, Jew. Guess it's back to the gym for you, tubs."

Kylie narrowed her eyes. "That's almost word-for-word what your impostor said after you supposedly came back from fat camp."

Erica giggled. "Well I maaay have told her to say that to you."

Right then Marjorine ran up to them, breathing heavily.

"Sorry I wasn't here. I was makin' a call," she explained. She looked up at Erica. "Do you want to sleep over at my house tonight? Like we used to? My mom just gave me the okay!"

Cartman winced. "Ah. Tonight's not good, actually. Sorry."

"Going somewhere?" Kyle asked suspiciously.

"No, Jew, I am not. I'm just like, really tired out from camp. I only got back a day ago, you know."

Marjorine looked disappointed and a little hurt. "O-okay. I get it. Sorry I bothered you."

"Not a problem," Erica replied breezily. "I have to go take a lea...I mean, I have to go to the little girl's room now," she said. "See you ladies later."

"...What, because she's not fat anymore she thinks she has to use niceties?" Stacy asked.

"Like she's even changed," Kylie muttered.

"...I hope she hasn't changed," Marjorine said quietly. "Too much, I mean."

* * *

At lunch, the group once again lost the ex-fatass to other students.

"She's hanging out with the popular kids now? Ugh," Kylie said with a grimace.

"She thinks she's so great," Marjorine said angrily. "It makes me sick!"

"Whoa, are you mad, Marjorine?" Stacy asked in surprise.

"Well she has a pretty nice body," Kendall conceded. "I mean her stomach's as flat as mine and I'm malnourished as fuck. And then there's dat ass..."

"Stop, you're drooling again!" Kylie said in disgust.

Stacy shook her head. "These are the same guys who called her the ugliest girl in class when we were kids. And now they're acting all nice? What a bunch of hypocrites."

Wesley sat down next to her.

"I take it you guys are annoyed by this new development as well?" he asked.

Everyone nodded.

"I honestly feel bad for Cartman. Doesn't she realize how shallow everyone is? It's not like they like her any more than before," Wes said.

"I doubt she cares," Kendall said nonchalantly.

"Well she'll have to wake up and smell reality when they all start ignoring her again," Kylie remarked. "She can't contain the 'Cartman' in her for long."

Stacy glanced at Marjorine, who still looked upset.

"Marj? You okay?" she asked.

The blonde sighed and played with one of her braids. "I really wanted to talk to Erica. I've missed her a lot," she said, sounding like she might cry. "But now she's ignoring me! It's like she doesn't care about me at all." Her delicate brow furrowed. "Well fudge her!"

"Damn, Marjorine," Kendall said. "Don't get all pissed yet. I'm gonna see if I can bring the little princess over here."

In a matter of minutes she had literally dragged Erica away from everyone and forced her to sit down.

"What's the big idea, Kendall?" Erica asked. "I was about to make Jesse Simon lick my shoe." (Making someone lick her shoe was a longtime dream of hers, and now that she was hot it seemed there were people willing to do it.) She suddenly noticed Marjorine and smiled. "Hey Marjorine! How's it going! ...Hey, are you mad? You look like you're gonna kill something."

"Yes, I am mad! At you!" Marjorine exclaimed in an adorable huffy manner which made it hard to take her seriously. "I haven't seen you for months! You never called me and now you didn't even say hi to me!"

"I did this morning. And like two seconds ago."

"Argh! That's not...Grr!"

"Marjorine is saying that your priorities are messed up," Stacy explained. "You've been ignoring her all day. All of us."

Erica looked like she was about to say something. Then she suddenly realized who else was at the table.

"Wes, the fuck are you doing here?"

Wesley sighed and picked up his tray. "I guess that's my cue. See you, guys."

After he left, Cartman turned back to Marjorine. "I'm really sorry, Marjie."

"Don't call me Marjie!"

"...Look, I didn't mean to make you feel like I didn't care about you. I've really missed you."

"Really? Then why didn't you answer any of my calls, huh?"

"They wouldn't let me! I swear I would have! Look, is the offer to sleep over at your house tonight still standing? Because I would love to go. I can always make time for my best friend."

Marjorine looked pleased. "Aw shucks, Erica, I just can't stay mad at you."

"Somehow," Kylie said under her breath.

"Hey Cartman, aren't you going to eat?" Stacy asked suddenly. Erica hadn't brought a lunch, which was odd to say the least.

"I...had a huge breakfast. I'm good."

Everyone was silent. She was 'good?' This was food they were talking about!

"That doesn't sound weird at all," Kylie said.

"Do you want something of mine?" Marjorine asked.

Cartman bit her lip, as if tempted to do something wrong. Then she whipped out her phone and consulted something. She sighed.

"I guess I can take...the carrots." She said it as if she were talking about something both disgusting and depressing.

"Carrots? Really?" Kylie asked.

Erica glared. "Part of my training is discipline. Forgive me if I care about staying in shape."

"I think you can afford to eat a little," Kyle said with concern. "Here. I don't like this pudding. You can have it if you want."

Cartman was not at all grateful for her enemy's kindness. "Trying to sabotage me, Jew?!"

"I'll take it," Kendall said. Then she glanced at Cartman. She looked her up and down before saying, "Maybe you should have it though. Then you can gain back some of your boob-weight."

Everyone else groaned inwardly. Of course Kendall had to go there...again.

Erica was dumbstruck. Clearly she'd heard wrong. "Did you just say something about my...did you just say that! Why do you keep bringing this up?!"

The taller girl shrugged. "Just trying to be helpful. When you were fatter your boobs were like the only thing going for you, and now they're almost completely gone."

Marjorine gasped. "Kendall, that's a terrible thing to say to somebody! You have to apologize right now!"

Erica was panicked. Her shirt had been open all day. "Is-are you saying-are you saying I look bad?! No way. I mean, sure I lost weight there just like everywhere, but it's not that big a difference! I doubt anyone else noticed except you, you fucking tit-obsessed lesbian!"

"Well, what size were you before?" Stacy asked.

"E," she answered right away.

"Okay, so what size are you now?"

"Uh..." Should she lie? That was silly, she was obviously perfect. But all her sizes had changed so much, so she had to think about her answer regardless. "B, I think."

Kylie smiled. "Hey, me too."

Erica was horrified. She always made fun of Kylie, calling her scrawny and underdeveloped.

She looked around at her friends. "Well, what are you guys?"

"C."

"C."

Marjorine played with her hair. "I don't wanna say it."

"Don't worry, Marjorine. I know you're an A, you don't have to say it."

"YOU said it, what's the difference?!" Kylie asked.

Marjorine blushed. They had done a lot of things together that required changing their clothes, so she supposed Erica might have seen on accident. Yes, better to assume she hadn't looked on purpose. "Did you have to tell everybody? Why didn't you just say 'I know what it is?'"

Erica looked at her blankly. "What, you mean it bothers you?"

Marjorine glared. "No! It doesn't. Any more than it bothers you."

"Right. Because it doesn't bother me. It's not like something so small could be of any importance. And don't make a joke on that!"

"It doesn't matter to you? Really?" Stacy asked.

"You look pretty worked up to me," Kylie added. "But you know, the person who made appearance a big deal was always YOU, Cartman. You always made fun of us, and now you know how it feels. I guess you reap what you sow."

"That's...! I don't care. I'm perfectly happy the way I am, and you know what? I still look a hell of a lot better than you, Jew!"

"I admit that you've gotten prettier, but you're not perfect. Quit acting like you're so great!"

They couldn't give her just one day? For three months she'd worked; she deserved to gloat about it for at least that long!

"I'm not acting like I'm so great. I'm acting the same as always, Jew."

Kylie paused. "You're right. You've always been this way. I guess it doesn't matter how you look, you're still the same rotten, self-centered person as ever!"

Cartman laughed bitterly. "Tell me what you really think, Kyel!"

Kylie pounded her fist on the table. "My name is Kylie, not Kahl and definitely not Kyel! You should have gone to speech therapy instead of fat camp!"

"Maybe you should've gone to fix your high-pitched, whiny-ass-"

"Guys, calm down," Kendall said. She turned to her redheaded friend. "Kylie, quit being a hater. Cartman worked really hard to get down to where she is now, and she should be proud of that. And we should be supportive as her friends."

Kylie got quiet; it was hard to tell what she was thinking. Erica smiled at the blonde. "Hey, thanks Ken. You're not such a worthless dyke after all."

Kendall should have stopped there, but she wasn't done. She still had to be a smartass. "And Cartman, don't worry. Even if you are as flat as a board, we'll still..." she laughed, "I was gonna say 'like' you, but I guess 'tolerate' is the better word."

Everyone watched in fearful fascination as Erica's face went completely blank. But rather than get violent like they expected, she simply got up from the table and walked away.

"Oh come on, Erica. I didn't mean it. You look fine! And we do like you!" Kendall called after her.

"Speak for yourself," Kylie muttered.

People were looking at their way. Kendall ignored them. "Cartman, I'm sorr-"

"Stop, Kendall! Let her go." Marjorine snapped as she followed Erica out of the cafeteria. Kendall felt like she'd been slapped hearing that tone from such a sweet and thoughtful girl. What really stung was that she brought that side of her out.

Stacy shook her head. "I can't believe you said that."

"Yeah. I hate to say it, but you're a dead man walking. Cartman's gonna get revenge somehow," Kylie said simply. "Do you still want my pudding?"

Normally a person would say, 'I'm not hungry,' but who was she kidding?

"Hand it over."

* * *

When the next class began, Erica and Marjorine weren't there.

"I think that's a bad sign," Stacy noted.

"I kinda feel bad now," Kylie admitted. "I thought it was just our old dynamic coming back, I didn't really think we would hurt her feelings. I didn't know she had

any."

"It's not your fault. It's Kendall's."

Kendall glared at Stacy. "Screw you, man! I was just kidding around!"

Right then the door opened and Marjorine walked in alone.

"What happened to Cartman?" Kendall asked apprehensively as the shorter blonde sat down.

"She went home," Marjorine replied matter-of-factly without looking at her friend.

Kyle was incredulous. "She just walked out of school?!"

"No, she said she was sick and got her dad to pick her up." It was hard to tell, but Marjorine still looked kind of mad.

"What the hell?" Kendall shook her head. "She makes such a big deal out of every little thing."

Marjorine gave her a piercing glare. "I'd shut your mouth if I was you, Kendall."

Before anyone could respond to this extremely out-of-character response, Garrison began the class.

After school, Kendall excused herself from talking with Stacy and Kyle to follow Marjorine, who was walking ahead of them by herself. "Hey Marjie, please talk to me."

Marjorine stared straight ahead. "I'm takin' Erica's side. You know that." She always did, out of loyalty. "And this time I agree with her."

"What do you mean? What did she tell you?"

"Not much," Marjorine replied coldly. "Can't really understand someone when they're cryin' that hard."

Kendall knew firsthand how it felt to have a pole rammed through her chest, and it felt just like this. "What? She cried?! That doesn't make any sense! Wh...why?!"

"I really don't know. You could ask her, but I don't think she wants to talk to you."

Kendall's forehead knotted. "Is it possible that she's upset about something else? Other than just what happened at lunch, I mean."

Marjorine stopped. "Could be. Like I said, I don't know. I don't know...!" Her wide blue eyes were sparkling with oncoming tears as she looked down at her feet. "I don't get it. She was in the bathroom crying, and she wouldn't stop. She couldn't stop." She pulled on one of her ribbons. "It was kinda scary."

Kendall understood that. "Marjorine, it's OK. It's not your responsibility to make her feel better all the time." She didn't want her sweet friend to shoulder too much of whatever Cartman's problem was and get hurt.

"You didn't see her. I couldn't have just left her like that." Marjorine wiped at her eyes. "What happened to her during those three months? She's not the same Erica. I'm just so confused about everything. I've been waiting to see her again for so long, but now I don't know if things can go back!"

Kendall took a risk by putting her hand on Marjorine's shoulder. The shorter girl let her. "Of course they can, Marjorine. Cartman's only different on the outside."

Marjorine nodded. "You're probably right. I'm sorry, it's just been so crazy today."

"You have that sleepover planned tonight, right?"

"Oh hamburgers, I forgot about that! Now what am I gonna do?"

"Hey, it's okay. I have an idea."

Marjorine looked back up at her. "I'm still mad at you."

Kendall smiled. "I know." It was kind of cute, actually, Marjorine's anger.

But Kendall could obviously never ever tell her that.

* * *

Lee Cartman was at home when Erica walked in.

"You're early," he exclaimed, "honey what's the matter? You look-"

Erica sighed. "I'm fine, Daddy."

She only called her father that when she needed to be comforted. Lee knelt to give his daughter a hug.

"What happened? Didn't everybody notice how nice you look?"

"They did." Erica stepped back to look up at her dad. They were both average height with brown hair and similar facial features, and now were also both thin. "You know, I guess now I look more like you, huh?"

Her father smiled, but his expression was hiding something sad that the two of them rarely discussed. "Yes. You're just like me, sweetie."

Erica had just said that offhandedly; she wasn't expecting such a weird reaction.

"Where are you going, honey?"

She'd wanted to be comforted, but now there was something new on her mind, more pressing than her previous problem. "I...gotta look something up."

She didn't like what she found.

Pictures of a beautiful woman with flowing red hair in her golden years, modeling, in soap operas and attending fancy parties with her husband. There was even one of her at forty with that same husband and a teenaged daughter, all smiling.

"Dammit." Erica was afraid to go look in the mirror; she might just try to rip her face off. And she knew anyway: they looked exactly the same.

"Fuck!" Cartman snapped her laptop shut and slumped over the desk, her energy completely gone.

She hated the whole world and everyone in it. Especially Kylie, Kendall and a certain person who no longer existed.

"But not myself."


	4. Weight Loss (Kenman) Part Two

After dozing off at her desk, Cartman was awoken by a phone call. Normally she'd let her dad get it, but she realized it was coming from her iPhone. She would have ignored it, except it was from Marjorine.

"Yes?"

Marjorine's sweet voice could be heard clearly through the speaker. "Hey, Erica. Are you feelin' up to comin' over tonight? If you aren't that's totally okay, I wouldn't blame you at all if you don't want to!"

Erica stretched. "No, I can still go." She sighed. "Sorry if I totally weirded you out earlier today. Honestly, I dunno what that was about."

"O-oh." Marjorine's voice dropped to a whisper. "Could it be...y'know...that time?"

Erica laughed. "Maybe. Why're you whispering? Actually, I think I'm just really tired. And I can't eat very much, you know, because of the diet. That's probably having an effect on my mood and possibly my sanity. Which wasn't super stable to begin with, am I right?"

She'd been joking to lighten the mood, but Marjorine's laughter was mostly nervous. Erica being self-deprecating? That was not a good sign. "Uh, haha, yeah. But anyway, you've been gone for a long time and there's a lot I wanna tell you. You need to catch up on all the happenings in town. We can talk about that, and-"

"I can tell you some stories about fat camp," Cartman finished with a smile. "I'm looking forward to it. And um, hey Marjorine..."

"Yes?"

Now it was Cartman's turn to lower her voice. "Thank you for always being there for me. I...appreciate it."

Marjorine didn't have time to respond. "Wha-"

"I have another call. See ya." Erica hung up very quickly. "Goddammit! Why the fuck did I say that? Am I going soft?" She glanced down at her toned stomach. "...Figuratively speaking."

She felt like an idiot in the clothes she was wearing, so she changed into the only pair of pants that fit her now and her camp T-shirt. On it was a smiling and slightly demented-looking flexed arm which was shouting, "YOUR WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU!" in obnoxious bubble letters. She buttoned an old flannel over it to cover up the image; seeing it brought back some recent unpleasant memories.

The first shirt she got from camp was extra-large. Now she was wearing a small. How crazy was that? She looked herself over in the mirror often now, not out of pure vanity but because she couldn't believe that this skinny girl was her.

"I still think they slipped us something." And then of course, the overall tone of the camp had changed drastically since she'd been kicked out seven years ago. Now the place had more of a Jillian Michaels, cry-about-your-flaws-and-do-reps-until-you're-screaming-in-pain kind of thing going on. It was sort of like a bad army training movie, except nobody called you a homo every two seconds. They did, however, liberally throw around insults such as "fatso," "pudding-ass," "lard butt" and occasionally even "Supervirgin." Which, while rude, was admittedly effective.

When it was time to leave, Erica put on her old red jacket only to find herself swimming in fabric. She draped it around her shoulders instead.

"Did I really used to be that big?" At least her hat still fit. She hadn't worn it in a long time, but it still felt natural to wear it.

When she passed her father, who was reading on the sofa, he started. "Honey, you look-"

"Shitty, I know." She smirked.

Lee smiled. "I was going to say cute. I'm glad you're feeling better. Have a good time at Marjorine's."

"Okay. Love you, Dad."

"Wait. You know, I missed you, sweetie," he said suddenly. "So did Mrs. Kitty."

Erica looked at her shoes. "I missed you, too."

"Tomorrow night we should have a nice dinner together, like we used to," her father said. "We can get your favorite."

Erica's smile faded. "I can't have KFC anymore, Dad."

Lee looked very distraught by this news. After years of trying to wean his daughter off of junk food, she had suddenly returned through with it. And for some reason that made him feel left behind. "You can't?"

His daughter gave him a firm expression. "If I bend the rules here and there, pretty soon I'll just go right back into my old habits. And you don't want that, do you?"

Lee tried to smile. "O-of course not, sweetie. I'm sorry, I'll try to be more supportive of your new lifestyle. Um, have a good time, dear. I love you!"

"Love you too! Bye!" Erica called back as she walked out the door. Once she did she was greeted by a shadowy figure who seemed to have been waiting for her.

"H-hey, who the hell are you?!" she demanded. "Don't get any closer, weirdo!" She kept a few weapons in her backpack, and she was always ready to use them.

Then she heard a familiar husky voice. "Cartman! It's me." The person stepped closer and was illuminated by the porch lamps.

Erica made a face. "Oh, it's just you. What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I just wanna talk," Kendall said calmly.

"Well you look like an orange popsicle so I'd suggest you go home before you get frostbite on your tits and whatever type of pubes lesbians have." She walked right past Kendall toward Marjorine's.

"Hey, I'm pretty sure your house is that way!" Cartman snapped when she realized that Kendall intended to follow her.

Kendall quickly caught up to her and walked close behind her. "Come on," she said, "just talk to me."

"No. Suck my dick."

"You don't have a dick."

"I know that, genius! Now get the hell away from me and let me walk to Marjorine's alone."

"But I'm going there, too."

Erica spun around. "WHAT?!" Marjorine allowed that? "I'm gonna kill that little snot-nose!"

"Don't be mad at Marjorine, it was my idea. Now sooner or later you're gonna have to talk to me. We're walking to the same place, so why not listen to what I have to say? You don't have much choice."

"Sure I do!" Erica pulled out her headphones. "I can listen t-"

Her iPhone was out of batteries. "GRAHHH! Fuck!"

She glared at Kendall, shouted "DAMN YOU!" and started walking at a faster pace. She kept speeding up until Kendall had to run to catch up.

"Cartman! This is ridiculous, just listen to me! Please, can't you just hear me out?!"

Erica skidded to a halt and crossed her arms. "Fine. What?!"

The blonde sighed with genuine regret. "I'm sorry that you can't be happy."

"...Huh?!" That wasn't an apology! That was just bullshit!

"I dunno what's going on with you. But I do know that when things don't always go just how you want and when that happens, you get really upset. I know today didn't work out like you planned. And yeah, I know that was partially my fault."

"Oh, wow, Kendall. Partially? That's some real quality apologizing right there. If all you're gonna do is spout bullcrap, again, you can suck my dick." Cartman was about to turn around and ditch her. Kendall panicked slightly.

"Hey, wait. I didn't mean to say what I did wasn't a big deal! It was really mean of me to say that stuff."

"But you meant it," Erica said firmly. "Otherwise you wouldn't have said it."

"I didn't mean it! Really!"

"Well I'm not cute and you do barely tolerate my presence, so I guess you hit the nail on the head. Good for you, Kendall; have a gold fucking star."

Kendall couldn't believe Erica really thought that. Unless she was trying to guilt-trip her, but she seemed genuinely upset. "No, you look great. Everyone thinks so. We're all happy for you."

Erica snorted. "That's such BS. You know what Kyle said to me right off the bat? 'Nice outfit,' or something like that. She was calling me a slut. And then you all yelled at me for not hanging out with you. Which again makes no sense, because none of you care about me anyway."

"I care! I stood up for you, didn't I?!" Kendall shouted.

"Yeah, just before you granted me your classy little gem of an opinion about how I look."

Kendall sighed regretfully again. "I really think you look good, Cartman. Honestly, you're really, really beautiful. I just wanted to tease you because-"

"I was feeling happy? And confident? And good about myself?" Erica smiled bitterly. "That's all you assholes can think of. 'Hey Cartman's back from three months of torturous training, let's all make fun of her and make her feel like she did all that for nothing!' You skanks couldn't wait to knock me down. You couldn't even give me _one fucking day_ to enjoy it. I'm not worth even that much to you guys!"

She had a point. But still. "We couldn't help it. That's what we do; we rip on each other. You always do that to us!"

Cartman ignored her. "You know what it is? I just realized. Now that you can't call me fatass, you guys got worried." She smiled darkly again. "'But hey, great news, even though she only weighs 102 pounds Cartman's still ugly as fuck and she sucks ass!' It must be such a relief that you still have things to make fun of me about."

Kendall was beginning to get annoyed. "The problem is you expected to be perfect just because you lost weight. It doesn't work that way."

Erica put a hand on her hip. "Yes, I'm aware of that. I mean, even though you're all skinny bitches you're plenty flawed. Stacy's way too tall, you look like a coked-out Ellen Degeneres, Marjorine weighs like 70 pounds and couldn't even fight a midget, and Kyle's ass is so huge it almost eclipses her hideous Jewfro! And Cristina? Tall and manly, might as well be a dude. Tweeke, pale with a fuckton of moles and freckles. Clydette? Chubby! Token? _Black! _But I didn't say any of that to your faces, now did I?"

"You just did. And you do. All the time," Kendall argued.

"So you'd like to get revenge? That it?" Cartman asked. Her smile had gotten twisted up from anger. "You know, the camp counselors made me list out all my flaws down on paper and then burn them; kind of like a cleansing thing. Bullshit. Now they're just burned into my memory. Things I didn't even notice before. First off my hair is this awful color." She lifted up a lock of hair. "I thought it was the same as Dad's but no, it's kind of red. Or ginger." She dropped the hair as if it was something dirty. "And my eyebrows are freakin' weird. They're like, triangular Dorito-brows! Don't laugh, it isn't funny! Oh, and my fingers are too long, my eyes are too closely spaced and my nose is like a pig's."

"It's a button nose, that's all," Kendall said quietly. "I always thought it was cute." That's why she always poked it; also because she knew it pissed Erica off.

"I'm not done, bitch," Cartman continued. "Because today I found out on top of everything that I look a hell of a lot like a certain somebody now that I'm thin. Care to guess who it is? Here's a hint: she's dead, she's ginger and a bitch, and oh right, when I was nine I chopped her up into tiny pieces and fed them to her kid. She also gave me away to a crackwhore, that's a bonus."

Kendall didn't need all those hints. "Jackie Tenorman," she muttered. That incident was the only time she'd truly felt afraid of her own best friend and what she was capable of. Murdering two people and sending another to the mental hospital...it was easily the worst thing Erica had ever done, and there was some pretty stiff competition for that honor.

"Yup. Now my dad will probably see that woman every time he looks at me...what I did. Along with every other adult. I'm the one who offed the whore and even I think it's sick!"

Kendall had never seen Mrs. Tenorman, but... "You don't look anything like Scarlet Tenorman, if that makes you feel better."

"It doesn't, but thanks for trying. Care to add any more faults of mine to the list? Because as you can see, it's still expanding. You've already contributed plenty, but-"

"Oh for the love of God, let it go!" Kendall exclaimed in irritation. "Is this about what I said at lunch? 'Cause if I thought your boobs were that small do you think I'd have said that in front of Kylie and Marjorine?! Think about it, dummy!"

Erica still wasn't letting it go. "So it's okay to insult _me_," she said slowly, "But making fun of Kylie and Marjorine is a no-no. Probably because you can only 'tolerate' me. So I guess 'horrible unlovable personality' should be added to the list. Again, thanks for the input!"

Kendall dropped her bag to grab Cartman by the shoulders. She wanted to punch some sense into her.

"Cartman, I only said that because I was joking! You're my best friend!" she exclaimed. "Don't you believe that?!"

The brunette was close to crying. "I want to. But I don't. I'm not an idiot, Kendall. It's not like I don't know what you guys all think of me."

Kendall sighed and stared into her friend's eyes levelly. "What I'm gonna say might make you mad, but please don't kick me in those boots because those heels look deadly." Cartman didn't respond, so she kept going. "It's true that at first we didn't like you. In fact, hating you was what brought me Stace and Kylie together. We liked making fun of you and complaining about how you bugged us. Thank you for not kicking me," she added.

"Yeah well you're on thin ice, dyke."

"Okay. Anyway, after a while Stacy and Kylie became really close and I felt left out. That's when I started feeling happy that you were hanging out with us. I had my own partner, and I think we got along pretty well. I thought I hung out with you because I felt sorry for you, but if you hadn't been around, I'm sure I'd have been lonely. And now we're so close that I don't know what I would do without you. You're my best friend. And you've changed a lot. I know you've really been trying lately to be a better person, and it shows.

"And Marjorine loves you, too. I used to worry she had Stockholm Syndrome from all your bullying-don't kick me, I said!-But when you went away for 3 months it was obvious how much she relies on you to get her through the day. You were all she talked about. We had to tell her, 'shut up about Cartman!'" Kendall laughed and to her relief, Erica smiled slightly. "And Stacy and Kyle would say, 'I'm bored' all the time. They may think they just tolerate you but without you, we're a pretty boring group. That's why we were pissed that you weren't hanging out with us today. Because we want you here." She frowned. "Hey, I didn't mean to make you cry."

Erica hid her face. "I'm not crying. The moon's just very bright in my eyes." Kendall laughed at Erica's childness, which hadn't changed a bit.

"And as for the boob thing," she said, "I'd be happy to take a look at them and give you my honest opinion. Because we're best friends, and all."

That's when Erica kicked her. "Oof!"

"In your dreams, you dumb dyke!"

"Hey, I had to say something dirty at some point."

"And I had to use violence at some point," Erica retorted, "bestie."

"Ew! Don't call me that!"

The two resumed walking to Marjorine's after Kendall recovered.

"You know I'll never forget the first time I knew that you really liked me," Kendall mused.

"Oh?" Erica asked, feigning boredom.

Kendall smiled up at the stars. "It was the time I got sick. You thought I really might die, so you were finally honest about how you felt. That's when you told me I was your best friend. That made me kinda happy, even though I was pretty busy dying and shit. It was the look on your face; I'd never seen you with that expression before. And I thought 'wow, if only I wasn't super sick because all of a sudden Erica Cartman's looking pretty damn sexy to me."

"Oh my GOD!" Erica cried in horror.

"Okay, that last part was a lie, but the rest is true!"

"Eh. I don't really remember."

"And then you ran out in a hurry because you were about to start crying." Kinda like she'd done today in the cafeteria. "Kylie told me later. They thought I got better, since you're the only one who remembers when I die. But you tried really hard to save me, and that made me happy, too."

Erica laughed nervously. "Oh that. I just wanted to have a Shaky's in South Park. I was faking; I didn't give two shits about your disease, dyke."

"Then why do you look super sad every time Heat of the Moment comes up on the radio?"

Cartman looked horrified again. "You...knew about..."

"Kylie told me about that too," Kendall replied smugly. "Yep, you act mean but inside you're just a cute little kittycat who likes to-"

SCRATCH

"See you proved my point!" she said, wincing from the nail marks on her cheek.

"I don't like it when you tease me," Cartman pouted. It was kind of cute.

"You're the tease with that outfit you wore today."

"Shut up about that. I'm gonna burn those clothes."

"Why? It was sexy. You looked like a naughty professor. I wanted you to spank me with a ruler or something."

Erica glared at Kendall. "See, I don't get it! You don't make any sense. If we're best friends why do you hit on me?"

"Aw, I'm only teasing."

"Oh, so I didn't look cute in that outfit? I guess I will burn it, then."

"No no no no! Don't! I can tease you and be honest too, can't I?"

The brunette looked at her judgmentally. "You really shouldn't flirt with your friends. We're all gonna rise up one day and burn you at the stake for perving on us all the time."

"It's not my fault all you guys are so hot."

"You flirted with me when I was fat, though!"

"So? What can I say? You were a cutie back then, too. I don't care if a girl is a little meaty, y'know. Especially when she has awesome-"

"Don't finish that sentence, lez. I regret becoming friends with you."

"Please. You know the only one of you guys I'd really go for is Marjorine."

Cartman frowned. "Not me?"

"Of course not! C'mon."

"So if I offered to let you see everything, you'd say no?"

Kendall had to stop walking. "Huh?!"

"I have to give it away sometime, might as well be you. How about it? You wanna go around the bases with me, dyke?" she said very seriously.

_It's a trick. It's a trick. It's a trick! How does she say that with a straight face?!_

"No, I wouldn't," Kendall said firmly.

Cartman looked at her thoughtfully for a few seconds. Then, out of nowhere, she grabbed Kendall's hood and kissed her.

The blonde immediately drew back. "Whoa, what the-? Cartman?!"

The shorter girl nodded in satisfaction, happy Kendall hadn't kissed her back. "So you weren't lying." She smiled. "Good."

Her face was red, but Kendall had no way of knowing that. "HUH?!"

"Hurry up, we're gonna be late, homo."

"I'm the homo?! Wait...what?!"

* * *

**A/N: How was this? Should there be a part 3 or is this a good stopping place? Sorry if this was disappointing. I may go back and edit it later, but I'm tired now so I'll leave it as it is. I actually wrote part of the sleepover but it wasn't that good. I went off on tangents even more than I normally do. Even here, I feel like I'm rambling. Well, to prevent further rambling I'll just shut up now.**


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